For now,

Ah, yes. There are days when what I want, what I really really want, is to sit on the seat where he sat under the overgrown ficus tree, (home to my resident hummingbird), wrapped in a towel, still heatfelt (sic) from the jacuzzi, aglow with calm and peace, while I listen via my unsophisticated iPhone to the words of Walt Whitman, Song of the Open Road/Song of Myself, so artfully illuminated by the unlikely Bill Murray and I know that “we must not stop here, however sweet these laid up stores, however convenient this dwelling, , , “

Don’t EVER feel sorry for me. When I linger in the memories and I contemplate our fleeting, I am in no way melancholic. I thrust my consciousness into the question. That certainty has left the building is not in error. It’s what I liked about Tolstoy when I was a searching teen. He had a quote about seeking truth, which I could never find again, but which bore into me like it was part of my DNA. If it doesn’t exist within the kernel of unvarnished honesty, it’s true worth is tainted.

So, this is where I am. It is where I should be. And tomorrow, I may be somewhere else. But right now, it’s where I will stay.IMG_8410

Wait. WHAT?

My evening routine is to do all the things I need to do in the house after dinner; clean, launder, dust, make more mess, or unglue my butt from the TV couch, then kiss the baby goodnight and get into bed. I’ll spend the next few hours downshifting from 5th to 1st.  If I don’t…Continue Reading

The Tale of 2 Seniors, 42 Years Apart

Milly and I both became seniors this year.  I turned 60 in August, and she entered her senior year of high school.  This is more monumental for her than for me.  After 15 years of school, each of them almost worse than the last, Milly will finally be done.  While she’s been blessed to have…Continue Reading

The day my life changed forever

It’s not often that you can pinpoint the day everything changed, but luckily, I can.  Of course I’ve had vintage moments; meeting my college roommate soulmates and friends for all time, inviting Glenn Frey to teach a songwriting master class, getting married to my starter husband, the births of both of my girls. But this…Continue Reading

When School is a Prison

     I just saw the film “Life, Animated.” It was spectacular. It captured the reality that this child faced as a result of his autism. He struggled in ways that no one could understand, until, through his passion for Disney animation, he could reveal his world. It was mind blowing. It made me deeply sad as…Continue Reading

Be Careful What you Wish For

I am a bundle of nerves.  My breathing is not right.  Why?  Because the kind of job I wanted materialized and a dream of mine came true.  All in the same freakin week! First of all, I haven’t worked outside the home for YEARS.  I had a brief stint as a  PT bookkeeper when Dan…Continue Reading

This business of love. Oy.

I’m two years, four months and six days out from tragedy. Dan died.   If I am anything, it is determined to not be bitter. To not be a sad, dark eye on the skin of the potato. I have many things to be grateful for, and I am. I have my daughters, my dog,…Continue Reading

Widow’s Dilemma

I’m in a widows dilemma. The number one obvious truth is that I lost the love of my life. Dan was my true soul’s match. I met him in my neighbor’s back yard; just a stones throw from where I lived, and where we subsequently lived together. We habitually brought out and celebrated the best…Continue Reading

Super Hawk

I spent yesterday, Super Bowl Sunday, with the people of the Dan. Being there, amongst his closest friends, makes me happy, nostalgic, sad, and perplexed. I love each of them, but wonder if I truly have an ongoing place in their lives. Does seeing me make them think of him, and is that too sad,…Continue Reading